life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
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