Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
