Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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