I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
