I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
