she looked like the before picture.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
