woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
