Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
