Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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