someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
