he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
