I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
