I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
