I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
