i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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