they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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