the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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