Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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