Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
