i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
