oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i think my mom watched the whole time
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
