Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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