new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
