Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
