I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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