you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
