I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
