The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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