Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
