I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
