Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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