So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
