I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I could make wine with my vomit
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
