So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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