I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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