K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
