bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
