this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
