I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
