I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
