My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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