Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
