chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
