Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
