My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I see more hoeing in ur future
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
