i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
