The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i will never coherently bang her
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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