Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
