All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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