I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
